10 Years...

10 years ago today I was on a plane. I was flying from Kosovo to Germany, Germany to Chicago, Chicago to Denver. I was scheduled for a two week leave from the peacekeeping mission that was supposed to be only six months long but was extended for another three months since our replacements were being sent to Iraq.
In the lead up to the war, I was following the news very closely. I listened to every speech given by President Bush, every speech by Colin Powell, I even printed out the transcripts and highlighted the reasons they said we needed to invade Iraq. If everything they said was true, we needed to go there, or at least so I thought. I was hoping Saddam Hussein would negotiate and work with UN inspectors. Little did I know, none of it mattered. I hoped that we would not go to war with Iraq, but as the days passed, it seemed more and more inevitable.
On my way home for my leave, I was delayed overnight in Chicago because of a bad blizzard in Denver. I ended up getting a hotel near the airport, and walked to a near by sports bar, but no sports were on the TVs. On every TV the initial invasion into Iraq was playing. As everybody sat, enthralled with images of war, my heart sunk and there was a gut wrenching feeling as I knew I would eventually be sent to this war zone. The guy sitting next to me saw my military ID and decided to buy all my drinks and food that evening, which I was grateful for, but it was all so surreal at the time.
The two weeks home was more tense than I would prefer, as everyone I knew would constantly ask about Iraq, which I was trying not to think of. Really I had no idea what to say about Iraq since all I knew was what was told to me and my information was just as good as theirs. I would return to Kosovo for four months and then we headed back to Germany. Within a month we were told we would be headed to Iraq in February 2004.
I continued to learn as much as I could about the situation in Iraq, constantly returning to the reasons we were being told we were going to Iraq. Slowly, those reasons began to make less and less sense as I learned more. There were no WMD's, there were no links to al-Qeada or 9/11, we were not seen as liberators, we were not helping to rebuild the Iraqi infrastructure, etc. It all felt like one big lie. My time in Iraq would confirm that. At no time did I feel like I was liberating anyone there, at no time did I feel like I was saving lives. Throughout my year in Iraq I became more bitter and angry about the reasons we were sent there. I go into more depth about all this in other blogs, so I will spare you from the repetition...
I guess what I really wanted to talk about today on the 10th anniversary of the Iraq war invasion, is partially a reflection, partially trying to parse out some of what I know and have learned... Over the last 10 years, many have died, some US soldiers, and many more Iraqi's. While we are no longer in Iraq en masse, there is still no stability within Iraq, and we are still feeling the effects of the war. Those who are most effected are obviously the Iraqi's, as they still struggle to live a life free of violence. The veteran's are also trying to shake the violence of war. Many have come home from Iraq physically, but mentally they are still fighting a war. Many turn to drugs and alcohol, many turn to suicide. Meanwhile the American people turn their backs on the veterans as the VA is severally underfunded. Sexual assault and violence within and around the military has reached epidemic levels, yet it is not of concern to most Americans.
This violence is intimately linked to masculinity and militarism. We continue to perpetuate this misogynist violence throughout our culture, we continue to militarize all strata of society. The question is why? What is it about violence and masculinity that we hold so dear? Why do we continue to believe that militarism is good for us? Is this what we want for our children? Is this the future they should have?
I know I often have a utopian view point, which is often unhealthy since it sparks my rage, but why must people be so afraid to want something better? I see the gun debate fueled by fear. I see politics fueled by fear. It is the constant fear that continues to push us to an unhealthy society, which could be our undoing.
I feel like I'm  rambling at this point and no longer remember what I wanted to originally say, so I will close out. Before I do though, I want to return to the 10th anniversary of the Iraq war. This week has been very emotional for me. The war was bullshit, as most of them have been over the past 60 years. Yet we remain complicit in these acts of aggression. I urge you to demilitarize! Look at every aspect of your life, and look at how you are complicit with violence. Look at how you can change those acts that perpetuate inequity, misogyny, fear, hate, and war. Stand up and speak out! Don't be afraid, don't be complicit! Yeah, you may lose some friends, but you may gain some, but more importantly, you may help change the world! Who knows, it's worth a shot right?

Ben's Indecision 2012

Four years ago today there was no doubt as to who I was planning to vote for. I was wrapped up in the hype of "Hope" and "Change," thinking that this President would be different. I have grown and learned a lot over the last four years, and while some things have gotten better, there is much that remains the same. I do realize that change doesn't happen over night and there is a lot of compromise that comes with being the leader of the United States. That said, there are still many things that has made me greatly upset and left me not knowing who I will vote for this time around. I have boiled it all down to three analogies, one for each option. 1) Giving a starving person an empty plate and telling them Bon Appetit! 2) The person who consistently and randomly comes up to me and kicks me in the balls. 3) Having to eat an infected shit sandwich that will either kill me, or on the very slimmest of chances, make me stronger. So lets go through these options...

Giving a starving person an empty plate and telling them Bon Appetit!
This option correlates with my desire to go with my heart and conscience, but it is an empty vote (or an empty plate), which is voting for Green Party candidate, Jill Stein. Over the last four or five years I have agreed with the Green Party platform and felt that this is what is truly good for America, but unfortunately the masses rarely hear about what they have to offer, or believe it is unrealistic. While many of the solutions they offer would be difficult to implement, I do not think that it is impossible.
One reason that voting for Stein is a viable option though, is the fact that I live in Hawaii, a very "blue" state, that by the time I get to vote the election may be over anyways. So why not vote for her, I would feel good about myself but did it really even matter? Though, Hawaii may surprise people and could go to Romney, with all the old white idiots out here and a huge Mormon population (2nd largest per capita in the nation). Furthermore, there are a number of problems, some polls are saying that Romney could win the popular vote, while Obama wins the electoral vote. Some polls say that Obama's going to trounce Romney across the board. Either way the problem lies within the deficiency's of the electoral college, which I am not a huge fan of, so perhaps I should play it safe and vote for Obama, which leads me to my second problematic analogy.

The person who consistently and randomly comes up to me and kicks me in the balls.
The past four years have been exactly like the analogy, I'll be walking around, feeling great about the world, then WHAM, kicked in the balls again by that damn kid on the escalator, "I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!" Sure, Obama has done great things, but he has also done some pretty shitty stuff too, his staunch support of NDAA, drone attacks, attacks on internet privacy, no single payer system within his healthcare plan, we're still in Afghanistan, I could really go on and on, but I think you get the gist... And I am sick and fucking tired of getting kicked in the balls. Furthermore, on many economic fronts, Obama really isn't that far off from Romney, I know many of you will say, "NO THAT'S NOT TRUE." Really? The only difference is Romney is Capitalism on steroids...  But all this leads me to my final analogy, possibly voting for Mitt Romney...

Having to eat an infected shit sandwich that will either kill me, or on the very slimmest of chances, make me stronger.
Yes, I said it, and yes, I just threw up a little in my mouth as well. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. Perhaps I've been reading way too much Karl Marx, for my Marxism class, but the thought keeps popping in my mind. If Mitt Romney is Capitalism on steroids, and I believe he really would make things in this country much worse than it already is, perhaps we should give all these wingnuts and racists exactly what their asking for, truly free market individualistic unbridled capitalism. If Romney becomes elected, perhaps the conditions of possibility for a revolution can come about. I'm not talking about Marxism, Communism, Socialism, I'm talking about real change, something new, a shift in consciousness, but it only seems possible that things will get better, only if they get a lot worse. Would or could this actually happen, probably not, but their is the slightest of chances that instead of eating an infected shit sandwich, the American spirit could get really sick and come back with a much stronger immune system, but more times than not, it will kill us. I know I know, I'm being dramatic, but this is what goes through my head...

We will see, but as of now, I am still undecided...

Why I do what I do (Or am the way I am)...

I know many of you may wonder, why I do what I do. Why I am so political. Why I am so passionate about my views. Some of you probably don’t give a shit. That’s fine, but if you wanna know why, and who I am you may want to read on. I know some of you have heard some of this before, but I will try to go deeper then I have before…

At one point in my life I was a hardcore republican. I thought that people just needed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and if they didn’t they were just lazy people who deserved to be poor. I believed that if you tried hard enough you could achieve anything. I helped with G.W. Bush’s first presidential campaign. To borrow from David Sirota, I was a practitioner of the “me first, screw everybody else” philosophy. I believed many racist, classist, and sexist things. Yet, saw myself as a true red-blooded American, so two of my best friends and I joined the army.  Partly for to get out of Grand Junction, to see the world, and for college money. We signed up 3 months before 9/11, and while it scared me a little to think I would probably go to war, I felt it was my duty.

Living in Germany was great, and I could tell a ton of stories, but that would stray me from my point. It was sometime towards the beginning of my first deployment, in 2002-2003, in Kosovo, that I started making my shift to who I am today. I remember being out on patrol in this little town, when all these little kids came out. We gave them some food, because they needed much more then we did. There was a foot of snow on the ground, and none of their houses had windows, or insulation. They lived in brick homes, and had to make large fires to keep warm. While I had slept in the cold on many occasions, camping and what not, I couldn’t imagine living in the conditions these children had lo live in, day in, day out. Furthermore, there was the constant fear of violence. We were basically the police there. Many times we had to respond to gunshots, or even the occasional grenade thrown into someone’s house. This is when I started questioning the privileges that I was born into. I could have just as easily been born into the violence they were, and this would pale in comparison to violence I saw in Iraq.

It was in the beginning of the Kosovo deployment that Bush Inc. started beating the war drums for Iraq. I paid very close attention because rumor had it, that’s where we were headed after we got back from Kosovo. Sure as shit, we did. But while paying attention as to why we would be headed to Iraq, I looked at all the “evidence” they were telling us and all the reasons why they said we had to go to Iraq. Once we got to Iraq, I realized it was all bullshit. I felt hurt and betrayed. The country I loved, the country I was fighting for, had lied to me. They had sent me to a war, to possibly die, for a heaping load of crap, and the people on capital hill: the lobbyists, the war profiteers, oil companies, banks on wall street, were all profiting, while we fought. It wasn’t for freedom, and anyone who says it is, is brainwashed. I truly wish we were fighting for freedom, but we weren’t. Not for the freedom of the people here in the US, and not for the freedom of Iraqi’s. I was on the streets of Iraq. I talked with the people. Yes they were glad Saddam was gone, but they lived in more fear of us and had no idea what to expect from us, because every unit was different. Some were more trigger happy, some had more brutal tactics. We oppressed, we did not free. If you look at the situation here in America, do you really feel more free? I don’t. I feel more oppressed, but more on this later…

When Fallujah kicked off, half of our battalion left to help with the fight there, but when they did, “insurgents” took Baqubah. It was one of the most hectic days of my life. Bullets flying by, explosions all over town. On many occasions before, we had gotten in firefights and caused casualties, but this was the first time, that I knew with absolute certainty, that I had taken a life. I was the only person with a shot, I saw a limp and lifeless fall to the ground in the alley we were taking fire from. The whole day seemed to move by in slow motion, and was easily the longest day of my life. When we finally returned to our base, all I could do is lie on my bunk exhausted and haunted with the actions of the day. By this time, I had already realized that the war was bullshit, which only made matters worse. I had killed a man, who was probably a father, a brother, a friend of someone else. He wasn’t trying to destroy America, he was either trying to put food on his table, and took money because he desperate so he fought us, or perhaps he was enraged because we had killed someone he loved, or maybe he just wanted us out of HIS fucking country. I will never know, but what I do know, is that the more we fight, the more they will hate us. It is not our place to try and solve their problems. I’m not saying we shouldn’t’ help them, but problems cannot be solved with a gun or a bomb.

Anyways, there were a number of other deadly interactions that occurred, and I felt like a hypocrite, every time. I wished I could just throw down my weapon and walk away, but I stayed, mostly for my brothers in arms. I still struggle with the pain, memories, regret, nightmares, of Iraq, but my story doesn’t end there…

I came home, and got involved in the peace movement and went to school to learn about the inequities I saw overseas and to understand my experience with war. This helped me heal in many ways, but there are many scars which may never heal. In March of 2007 I went on an alternative spring break trip to Washington D.C. to work with the homeless population there, it was here that I realized that many of the inequities I saw overseas were happening right here in the US. I knew there was homeless people in the US, but they were out of sight out of mind. Talking with them was very humbling, I met many vets, laborers, even a couple of lawyers… Many of them just had bad luck, and because of lack of a good healthcare system, workers rights, a basic safety net, these people were now living on the streets. They weren’t lazy, they weren’t stupid, they didn’t want a hand out. They got punched in the face, and while they were down, they were kicked repeatedly. After a while, they couldn’t get up… It was one of the most eye opening experiences I had ever had…

In March of 2009, I went on another alternative break, this time to New Orleans, to help build houses. The site was still devastating. The ways in which we have turned our backs on the people of New Orleans is disgusting, not only due to Katrina, but also the oil spill, which is still a problem that BP now refuses to clean up any further. How many lives were ruined by those two tragedies? Countless… If you think that big businesses have the right to be unregulated, here is the perfect example of why they need regulation.

It was just prior to all this that I got very involved in understanding identity politics. I spent time understanding that all the racist and sexist things I believed when I was younger was all bullshit. People of color weren’t lazy, or dangerous, or whatever other stupid shit I believed. They were people just like me, however, not just like me. They weren’t afforded the same privileges as me. They were constantly the target of racism and bigotry. I never had to wake up and wonder if someone was going to call me some kind of hurtful word. I never had to wake up and worry that a man would sexually assault me, or cat call me and make me feel uncomfortable. I realized that even the smallest of actions could be greatly hurtful to someone. That even a joke could offend or hurt someone. “Lighten up it’s just a joke,” my friends would say, but I wouldn’t and eventually I lost some friends, or some were very guarded around me. The funny thing is, is that I was usually very polite when I confronted someone, by letting them know I was offended, and would try to have a productive conversation. But many of the times I just wanted to scream “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHY DON’T YOU GET IT, IT IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!” But I never did. Perhaps it’s better I didn’t because many times I was able to have constructive discussions, but sometimes not and the subject was quickly changed.

I don’t find it funny because it is not only hurtful language perpetuating stereotypes, but it continues to oppress those who are the target of it, and many who are not the target of it, come to believe these stereotypes as truth, when in fact, it’s all bullshit. While working on my MA in Ethnic Studies, all this became more clear. I learned the ways in which people have been oppressed and exploited by the government, by corporations, by neoliberalism. I know what some of you may be thinking, “oh, well Ethnic Studies is the far left and is bias.” BULLSHIT, and FUCK OFF if you believe that. Ethnic Studies provides history from the people who got the most harmed throughout time. It is the stories of those who were on the receiving end of the violence that has made our country what it is today. The millions who have died, building the infrastructure of this nation, the millions killed for land that was theirs, etc. I also learned to question and critically think, in ways that can see the connections from the war in Iraq, to the corporations, to the homeless on the street, to those truly fighting for freedom across the globe.

It’s funny, kind of, I started writing tonight because I was very depressed, and pissed, and felt absolutely hopeless. I was in a very dark place. At times I feel very much alone, especially since I am 3,000 miles away from my close friends and family. I sometimes wonder what the point of life is, when I don’t have those around me who help me to see the beautiful things in life, which lies in those connections. I get sad and angry, especially with what is going on here in America. When I read the things that people from the right say, I don’t understand how they cannot have compassion for people. Or how they cannot understand the plight of some of these people. Or why they won’t listen. I don’t understand why they cannot open their ears, minds, and hearts. I don’t understand why they have so much hate in their hearts. I think the biggest reason I get angry is because I know that change is possible, I am living proof of it.

I get so angry sometimes, that people will not listen, and this feeds my depression. I know I have to be strong, and keep fighting, and yelling so that people hear me, and perhaps I can change their minds, or make them understand differently. I am trying, very hard to do this as peacefully as possible, but when your dealing with a system that only knows violence, and dealing with people who only know how to perpetuate hate, and people who love money more then their fellow humans, it's hard. I am constantly in flux, trying to decide whether to stay the course or to go out shooting, because I feel more and more helpless and desperate everyday. I am in more pain and torment the older I get, longing for change, and dreaming of real hope, but as the world becomes more bleak, I am finding less and less to live for. But I will to continue to fight, for my friends, for my family, for those who are still being kicked while their down, for the poor, the hungry, children, women, men, people of all colors and different beliefs. I will fight for them, because we all deserve a chance, to live, to love, to be happy. 

I could really go on and on, and I would love to try and further help you understand where I'm coming from if you want to know. Just let me know. For now, I'm going to bed, much later than anticipated. I will try to be better about blogging... Much peace, love, and happiness to you all! And if you made it all the way through this post... Thank You for listening/reading!

Republican/Tea Party... One in the same... Harbingers of Death

OK, so the title is pretty drastic, but all in all this is how I feel... I'm actually writing my thesis on the Tea Party and I am coming to realize that there is no real difference between the Tea Party and Republicans. In fact, the Tea Party is just an extension of the old school Republicans from the Nixon to Reagan era's. If you look at the Southern Strategy which was introduced by Barry Goldwater in the 60's, we see the same economic argument, we see the "states' rights" argument (which has a historical racist overtone), we see the individualism argument. Nothing has changed, it's all the same. Not every single member of these groups is bad, however, they are following a doctrine and listening to demagogues which are dangerous.

So why are the Republicans and the Tea Party the harbingers of death? Well lets run down all the points... First and foremost let's look at the attack on the economy. Progressives (I will not say democrat's because they are in the pockets of corporations as much as the Republicans), wish for a system that takes care of ALL people, not a totalitarian system, a system which provides healthcare, decent pay, equity no matter race, class, gender, sexual orientation, etc... Republican's and Tea Party members want to help themselves and the richest few (who are primarily white strait males). Hence the massive tax cuts and the attack on unions. Tax cuts for the richest people, in hopes that there will be a trickle down effect (which has been proven not to work). Why is wanting the government, the people whom WE THE PEOPLE elect and can vote out of office if their not doing there job, why is wanting them to run basic services which are needed for life so bad? Instead, Republican's/Tea Party want people who are out for their own profit and can give a shit less about those whom they serve as long as they get paid, to run these programs...

Second point, war. The right have no problem with Iraq, Afghanistan, etc... They have no problem supporting brutal dictators in order to control a region instead of allowing democracy to flourish. They promote a fear of Muslim's, communists, socialists. Same ol' story. They covet war, and continue to send the countries poorest and most disadvantaged to die. Not to die for their country, which is what they tell them, but to die for corporations, big business, so those few rich white men can maintain their hegemony.

Third point, the environment. Every single political party in the world, besides the Repubs/Tea Party, believe that global warming is a man made problem that we will have to face and is drastically effecting the planet. Repubs/Tea Party folk deny it to no end. They want no environmental regulations on business, once again for profits. Living in Colorado, I am witnessing global warming first hand, every winter has been getting warmer and warmer, the slopes have less and less snow each year, pine beetles are able to eat up more and more trees each year because the mountains are not getting enough long deep freezes. Wake up, the environment is in peril.

Final point for today, culture. As previously mentioned, Repubs/Tea Party have been attacking anyone they see as the "other." There is an attack on women and rights over their own body, their is an attack on programs which help single mothers pay for the expenses of having children. There is an attack on the LGBTQ community, "they are destroying the sanctity married,""it's a choice,""they are unmoral," I say... Bullshit... Everyone deserves the right to marry who ever they choose. My whole life I have known many people in the LGBTQ community who have helped raise me, and look at me know. I've honorably served my country, I've gotten my BA, will soon be getting my MA, and will also be pursuing my PhD soon. I'm strait, so they didn't "turn me into one of them." I wouldn't be who I am today without the lessons I've learned from very close and important mentors who identify as LGBTQ... Those who are against LGBTQ rights are hypocrites. On another note, as previously mentioned, the attack on Muslim's is ridiculous as well, you realize you pray to the same god right? Jesus is one of the most quoted prophets in the Quran. Muhammad and Jesus believed in the same things and promoted the same message, peace & love. I'm agnostic, but I am well versed in religion, stop all the BS!

SO this has been a long rant, and may be scattered at times. But it is partially in response to what is happening in Wisconsin, but also in response to all the BS that has been building up over the past few years. The Tea Party and the Republicans are pushing a dangerous agenda. As billionaire Warren Buffet said, "There's class warfare, all right, but it's my class, the rich class, that's making war, and we're winning, and we shouldn't be." There is class warfare ensuing right now, and it intersects with race, class, gender, and sexual-orientation, the people leading the charge in oppressing the people, that's right, the harbingers of death!